Saturday, November 28, 2009


I never thought I'd go back to this, and I never thought I'd be happy about it too. I'm not scared to hide the fact that I love you anymore. I can't wait til' the day I can call you mine. Even though technically, you are mine hehe. =) I feel like my life is finally coming together, I realized that trying to live without you is worse than not living at all. No more pushing you away, no more controlling, no more asking for too much, and no more looking for perfection cause I love you for your imperfections. So I can't see you all the time, twice a week is good enough for me. Being in your arms takes all my problems away. To be honest I'm afraid that all of this is too good to be true. But, we'll see. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

143102207637= It's no longer just a bunch of numbers.

Friday, November 27, 2009

False Reality.

After not feeling too good, I had the best 2 days ever, it was practically unreal.

My lovely bestie came over after a pretty bad day and brought me Chipotle. It was pretty nice to get my mind off of everything for one day. Love her! =)

Spent Thanksgiving with this guy since I was all alone at home lol. Love him and his fambam, I don't think I've ever laughed that much my whole life.

Who else was there? Suprise suprise my mAb showed up. =P
Felt kinda uneasy at first but by the end of the night things got better and by the next morning my mind was clear. But now? it's like..everything sank in and I'm back to my uneasy feeling. I just really don't know, I'm on an emotional rollercoaster. But I won't have it any other way as long as it's with you. Back to worrying about school, grades, and getting my money up for vacation this January. I love my friends and my HB, without them, I'd be nothing, and I'd be unhappy. So this Thanksgiving was the best, I spent it with the people I thank God for. (Minus a few others.) =)

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Life Moves On.

So much pain. Pain that I don't even want to feel right now.

Now I know why you said you just weren't right for me. If I knew I was gonna go through this, honestly I would've never fallen or better yet, let this happen. For once I can't put my emotions in words. And I sit and wonder when exactly "Josie's happiness" will return cause by the looks of it, shit just won't go back to normal. No more trying to get my hopes up cause honestly theres no point. This is why I was always pessimistic, because optimism always bites me in the ass. From this point on, I'll just always have my guard up cause there's no point in putting it down if someones gonna crush you in the long run. Not fucking worth it.

Hangin with Sam tomorrow and hopefully Thanksgiving dinner with the Featherstones? We'll see.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Get Lost.

Okay, my mom says I'm always tryin' to fight somebody, and it's not true but right now I'm getting overly irritated with these mother fuckers goin' in and out of my life. (Please excuse my language in this blog.)

Person 1. Stop being overly dramatic! Like really? It's not that fucking serious, I told you what the easy solution to your fucking issue is but you still wanna make shit seem like it's a date. How many mother fucking times do I have to fucking turn your dumbass down til' you realize I DON'T LIKE YOU, NEVER DID LIKE YOU AND I NEVER WILL FUCKING LIKE YOU! I'm just irritated with all your whack ass jokes, and how hard you fucking try, its just so stupid. Leave me alone.

Person 2. Stop acting like you still mean a lot to me. Cause I don't give two shits what the fuck you do with your life. Don't you get it?! UGH. Stop spying on me, cause all the shit that I say on this blog and my twitter are NOT about you. (except for this lol.) You were never that fucking important. And I was stupid to even think you were. Stop trying cause you'll never get SHIT back. I've been trying so fucking hard to be patient with you and my patience is running on thin ice. GET A FUCKING LIFE AND STOP TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHATS GOING ON IN MINE!!!!!!!!

Currently listening to:: Playing God.mp3 -Paramore.
(BTW to mAb..Playing God is better than the rest.)

Friday, November 13, 2009

TWLOHA and Yesterday.

I want to start off by saying Happy To Write Love On Her Arms Day(TWLOHA)!!! I love this day, just cause I support what they're trying to do. No matter how many people say depression, cutting, and suicide is stupid, I would never change my opinion on it. Why? Personal reasons. I wrote "Love" on my arm..but it doesn't look right, but its good enough.

"Love is the movement. Rescue is possible."

Anyway...I was looking around on itunes for some songs to download. Came across one song that describes exactly how I'm feeling. It makes me realize that the future? It's gone, its no longer set in stone. The dreams? All broken. And like he says...I'm broken. But no one can ever take yesterday away from me.

"They can take tomorrow and the plans we made, they can take the music that we'll never play, all The broken dreams, take everything, just take it away, but they can never have yesterday, they Can take the future that we'll never know they can take the places that we said we will go, all The broken dreams take everything, just take it away, but they can never have yesterday" Yesterday-Leona Lewis.

I'm sorry for all the emo blogs haha!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Stress Go Away.

Amaaaazzzziiiiinnnngggg how one person can go through almost every single issue a person can have. Make sense? lol.

*School still a labpractical monday...must start studying now. I stayed in class to focus on my work today and my whole lab table bailed on me LMAO. Oh well, I think it's better if I work by myself anyway. I think I'm taking the right steps to get my grades up.

*I personally do not like to express any type of emotion to others. I'd rather be called heartless than to have someone think I'm overly sweet and get walked on, it's sounds so wrong but it's the only way to make sure everyone knows I'm okay. I hate how sometimes my emotions decide to make a special appearance infront of the people who need to see it. I hate how I can't put in words exactly what I miss, what I love and what I need in a person. I wish I could cause maybe..just maybe, you'd know exactly whats going through my head and have you actually understand. If I could..I'd go back in time to just change everything. I know, I regrets right? But it's hard. I hate walking around and everything I see just reminds me of a certain happy moment, a certain fight, a certain situation that I know I would want to tell my kids (if I even have kids LMAO) about. I can't move on, and I can't go I shall remain neutral. Do what exactly makes me happy for the moment. (I think I said something about that in my blog before this.) If it hurts me in the this point all I'll have to say is "Oh well..".

Maybe one day you'll see exactly just what I mean, that it isn't the moments that I miss, it isn't the moments that I loved..but it's you. But once again, I refuse to get hurt. I'll try my hardest to keep my wall up.

Saviour.mp3 -Lights :: Story of my life.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Jumbled up.

After talking to a few people and losing a friend I realized that I really do need time to sort my thoughts and figure out what the hell I'm doing with myself. This is seriously jumbled up..I tried to organize it but this is the best I could do. lol.
Parents know best. As much as we think we know better, we kind of don't. Parents told me to just be patient and not rush things, I did and where am I now? Confusion. I swear if I had never let myself fall I wouldn't have these issues, but then again I wouldn't know what it means to love someone unconditionally. I do understand that people have to learn how to make their own mistakes and learn from them than to learn from someone elses. They just need a friend to support them the whole way through. When parents tell you to do something, yeah..most likely they're right but think about your happiness first. Do whatever makes you happy and you'll be happy. Yeah it might be the wrong kind of right but, you won't learn unless you experience it first hand.

It's hard to move on and tell everyone else you have when obviously you keep coming back. Reminds me of the movie One More Chance (Tagalog movie lol). As much as you try to move on, when you see the person that you just love to be around, others don't matter. It's a weird feeling, a feeling that I personally don't want to have but when the other person has moved on what's is the point in trying to stay and wait? There is none. But something in the back of my head is telling me to just stay. I refuse to get hurt by anyone else anytime soon, I refuse to give someone a shattered heart and expect them to fix it. It never works out. I don't like to see my 3 main besties try hard to keep a smile on my face, I hate being vulnerable so I'll probably never allow myself to have emotions infront of anyone. I have to learn how to love myself before I can ever love anyone else unconditionally, which will take a whole lot of work. I'm turning into a heartbreaker and I refuse to break anymore.

The end. =)

Friday, November 6, 2009

All smiles for now.

Hecka tired typing this so I doubt this is gonna be organized.

*Pinas this January!!!! =D So much to update my cousins about, it's kinda sad cause the update isn't really good news. But, knowing them, they'll support me either way.

*School still sucks. I love the people I spend the days with, just not the work that comes along with it. I officially hate Nursing101 and I hate 200 level courses. Smh. About to buckle down and study starting monday cause this stress is getting crazy.

*Hecka goodnews?! After exactly one month, my baby Ava is finally home from the "hospital" I call Collision Worx LMAO! Seeing my car looking spotless after that crash was just great..first thing I did when I saw it? Hug it and kiss it lol. I planned on cleaning her as soon as I got her back but they cleaned her for me! =) But when I went to work with it the next day I found out my headlight was out so I got that fixed today and now I just gotta get my wheels aligned and my car will be problem free. I saw all the damages I did....daaaaaamn. Fucked up the whole AC and heater LMAO. Sorry Ava..never again! =)

*Woaaaahhh talk about suprises, whoever thought this would happen? No one. I dunno where this is gonna go honestly but I'll just go with the flow. I want to be the one that changes you're opinion on certain things, I don't know if that will happen but we'll see. Slow is the key. But sacrificing friendships for this is pretty scary. I like it. ;)

PS: You're "absentmindedly making me want you." ;)