All smiles for now.

Hecka tired typing this so I doubt this is gonna be organized.

*Pinas this January!!!! =D So much to update my cousins about, it's kinda sad cause the update isn't really good news. But, knowing them, they'll support me either way.

*School still sucks. I love the people I spend the days with, just not the work that comes along with it. I officially hate Nursing101 and I hate 200 level courses. Smh. About to buckle down and study starting monday cause this stress is getting crazy.

*Hecka goodnews?! After exactly one month, my baby Ava is finally home from the "hospital" I call Collision Worx LMAO! Seeing my car looking spotless after that crash was just great..first thing I did when I saw it? Hug it and kiss it lol. I planned on cleaning her as soon as I got her back but they cleaned her for me! =) But when I went to work with it the next day I found out my headlight was out so I got that fixed today and now I just gotta get my wheels aligned and my car will be problem free. I saw all the damages I did....daaaaaamn. Fucked up the whole AC and heater LMAO. Sorry Ava..never again! =)

*Woaaaahhh talk about suprises, whoever thought this would happen? No one. I dunno where this is gonna go honestly but I'll just go with the flow. I want to be the one that changes you're opinion on certain things, I don't know if that will happen but we'll see. Slow is the key. But sacrificing friendships for this is pretty scary. I like it. ;)

PS: You're "absentmindedly making me want you." ;)

I hate college.

UGGGGHHHHHH!!! whyyyy!? Failing Nursing101 badly and heard it from my parents. =(

I'm gonna be gone for a while..my minds just not gonna get off school and I'm officially on lock down mode at home.

But fridays..thats a different story. ;)

EDiiT___103109953pm

Okay so I found time to update..moms kinda calmed down about the grades. I need to get it together and buckle down cause this is getting crazy, I never fail! =(

Anyway, it's amazing how things can change at the blink of an eye..like really. But change can be good and bad. Right now? A little of both. This change allows me to focus on what I should've focused on in the first place. Me. Get my head together and sort everything out. Some people are back in my life and it feels kinda good. It's an uneasy feeling but..I can deal. Can't get used to it though cause I know this is just temporary which is what makes me feel a little weird.

I missed ya...kinda. ;)

"You said let go but I kept hangin' on, inside I know it's over, you're really gone." -M. Carey.

Personal.

I've been trying to study for my test for the past hour but it's kinda hard to concentrate with an empty feeling. I tried texting 38402384 people to maybe fill it up, didn't work. I tried watching tv to get my mind off of it, didn't work. I tried clearing my head with music, didn't work. It's hard to sit alone and think about everything. Things happen for a reason right? I hope something good comes out of this cause it's definitely not worth it. It's the day after that sucks the most..then after that you take it a day at a time and eventually start to smile. But for now..I'll fake it.

Everyone makes mistakes, no one is perfect. I'm never perfect no matter what anyone says. I make the same mistakes over and over again when I don't mean it but no one understands. I understand now that sometimes it's good to settle for complete imperfection than to try and look for perfection in anyone.

Bottom line? I've hit rockbottom for the second time in my life. Yes, it's the second time I've felt like maybe sleeping and never waking up is a good choice. Yes, it's the second time I've felt like things arn't going to get any better. Yes, it's the second time I've felt like I can't be alone for a quick second or else I'd think about everything. But I'm young, I already know I'm gonna be going through this so much more than just twice. And once you've hit rockbottom, there's no where to go but up from here. My savior is right infront of me, I just gotta realize it.

"You haven't hit rockbottom, your on my shoulders at rockbottom. I'll always be here for you."-Sam.
"Do what truly makes you happy. You deserve it."-Marylou
"I can't stand to see you hurt."-Drew
"Turn hurt into motivation, it will make you stronger."-AJ.

God will hear my problems tonight, most def.

Easier said than done.

And to think I was over everything. ha. Right. To feel like your world was just coming back together and watch it crumble to pieces in that 30seconds it takes you to read one text message. Best way to get over something is to learn to live without it, but it's pretty hard when everywhere you go reminds you of a certain thing that happened at that same exact place. But after a while everything starts to become okay. But in reality, It's not.

I hate everything that I have to go through. Sometimes I think that staying where I was before all of this and dealing with the unhappiness was what I should've done. But that's just not right, its not fair. I have to find my own happiness but do I feel like I have to throw away 2 years of my life? Yes. But, I can't think of it that way. I have to think about what exactly I learned from this. I learned that lying is just not worth it and you'll never know exactly who your hurting when you do it. I learned that ones own happiness is always first, but being absolutely selfish is not a good thing. And lastly? I learned that relationships are full of sacrifices, if one is not willing to sacrifice something for the one they love. Then it's never worth it.

You would think after learning all of that I'd look forward to the future and what lies ahead right? No. Not dwelling on the past is always.. easier said than done.

venting.

I should've known that loving a worthless piece of shit like you was a waste of my fucking life. It's like loving the past. NO....POINT! Thanks for making me realize that most of you guys are just fucking assholes. Going back to the past for the 2987403984th time with you? NO! never again my friend...never again.

For anyone else who thinks seeing someone else be happy is good enough..stop yourself right now, and get out. Cause its not worth it.

And remember.. everyone can change as long as they're WILLING to do so.. or even CARE enough to do so.

Fuck you..your garbage.

Thanks for listening. =)

Follow your heart..don't forget the mind.

"What do you do if you can't make up your mind." "Follow your heart.."

What happens when you realize your just unhappy with everything after people have told you, you need to stick up for yourself and just leave? You leave. Never felt soo much pain rush inside me so fast in so long. I thought I had it good...and seeing him happy was good enough for me. But someone running in to make you realize that its not good enough is a good and a bad thing. Your left stuck...thinking about who and what to choose..thinking about all the consequences. And when you choose one..you think about what could've happened if you chose the other. I chose the other...and now sitting here hurting over the one thing that was my everything for the past...almost 2 years..the good? I get my head cleared. But thats not that good.. I may have a clear head but one thing is for sure...I'll never forget you...and at this point I don't know if I'll ever stop loving you.

Make the tears stop.

update.

Haven't updated in a while cause I've been too lazy to. Soo....

*Went to the movies and Ruby Tuesdays last friday with Rob and Britt to go see "The Orphan" pretty awesome movie, especially when you have someone next to you yellin "FUCK THAT BITCH UP!" at the screen lol! I bought the D40 with me so I took pics of almost everything...notice the daquri? lol.

*Movies again tomorrow, and my dad keeps asking questions about me going to the movies. SHUT UP! lol.

*Update on the reading list...still on the first book LOL. I stopped reading for a while =( I need to get to it.

*Birthday past btw..got an iPod Touch and a Nikon D40...the birthday kinda sucked but the gifts were pretty great.

TTYouguys later =)