TWLOHA and Yesterday.

I want to start off by saying Happy To Write Love On Her Arms Day(TWLOHA)!!! I love this day, just cause I support what they're trying to do. No matter how many people say depression, cutting, and suicide is stupid, I would never change my opinion on it. Why? Personal reasons. I wrote "Love" on my arm..but it doesn't look right, but its good enough.

"Love is the movement. Rescue is possible."

Anyway...I was looking around on itunes for some songs to download. Came across one song that describes exactly how I'm feeling. It makes me realize that the future? It's gone, its no longer set in stone. The dreams? All broken. And like he says...I'm broken. But no one can ever take yesterday away from me.

"They can take tomorrow and the plans we made, they can take the music that we'll never play, all The broken dreams, take everything, just take it away, but they can never have yesterday, they Can take the future that we'll never know they can take the places that we said we will go, all The broken dreams take everything, just take it away, but they can never have yesterday" Yesterday-Leona Lewis.

I'm sorry for all the emo blogs haha!

Stress Go Away.

Amaaaazzzziiiiinnnngggg how one person can go through almost every single issue a person can have. Make sense? lol.

*School still sucks..got a labpractical monday...must start studying now. I stayed in class to focus on my work today and my whole lab table bailed on me LMAO. Oh well, I think it's better if I work by myself anyway. I think I'm taking the right steps to get my grades up.

*I personally do not like to express any type of emotion to others. I'd rather be called heartless than to have someone think I'm overly sweet and get walked on, it's sounds so wrong but it's the only way to make sure everyone knows I'm okay. I hate how sometimes my emotions decide to make a special appearance infront of the people who need to see it. I hate how I can't put in words exactly what I miss, what I love and what I need in a person. I wish I could cause maybe..just maybe, you'd know exactly whats going through my head and have you actually understand. If I could..I'd go back in time to just change everything. I know, I know...no regrets right? But it's hard. I hate walking around and everything I see just reminds me of a certain happy moment, a certain fight, a certain situation that I know I would want to tell my kids (if I even have kids LMAO) about. I can't move on, and I can't go back..so I shall remain neutral. Do what exactly makes me happy for the moment. (I think I said something about that in my blog before this.) If it hurts me in the future...at this point all I'll have to say is "Oh well..".

Maybe one day you'll see exactly just what I mean, that it isn't the moments that I miss, it isn't the moments that I loved..but it's you. But once again, I refuse to get hurt. I'll try my hardest to keep my wall up.

Saviour.mp3 -Lights :: Story of my life.

Jumbled up.

After talking to a few people and losing a friend I realized that I really do need time to sort my thoughts and figure out what the hell I'm doing with myself. This is seriously jumbled up..I tried to organize it but this is the best I could do. lol.

Parents know best. As much as we think we know better, we kind of don't. Parents told me to just be patient and not rush things, I did and where am I now? Confusion. I swear if I had never let myself fall I wouldn't have these issues, but then again I wouldn't know what it means to love someone unconditionally. I do understand that people have to learn how to make their own mistakes and learn from them than to learn from someone elses. They just need a friend to support them the whole way through. When parents tell you to do something, yeah..most likely they're right but think about your happiness first. Do whatever makes you happy and you'll be happy. Yeah it might be the wrong kind of right but, you won't learn unless you experience it first hand.

It's hard to move on and tell everyone else you have when obviously you keep coming back. Reminds me of the movie One More Chance (Tagalog movie lol). As much as you try to move on, when you see the person that you just love to be around, others don't matter. It's a weird feeling, a feeling that I personally don't want to have but when the other person has moved on what's is the point in trying to stay and wait? There is none. But something in the back of my head is telling me to just stay. I refuse to get hurt by anyone else anytime soon, I refuse to give someone a shattered heart and expect them to fix it. It never works out. I don't like to see my 3 main besties try hard to keep a smile on my face, I hate being vulnerable so I'll probably never allow myself to have emotions infront of anyone. I have to learn how to love myself before I can ever love anyone else unconditionally, which will take a whole lot of work. I'm turning into a heartbreaker and I refuse to break anymore.

The end. =)

All smiles for now.

Hecka tired typing this so I doubt this is gonna be organized.

*Pinas this January!!!! =D So much to update my cousins about, it's kinda sad cause the update isn't really good news. But, knowing them, they'll support me either way.

*School still sucks. I love the people I spend the days with, just not the work that comes along with it. I officially hate Nursing101 and I hate 200 level courses. Smh. About to buckle down and study starting monday cause this stress is getting crazy.

*Hecka goodnews?! After exactly one month, my baby Ava is finally home from the "hospital" I call Collision Worx LMAO! Seeing my car looking spotless after that crash was just great..first thing I did when I saw it? Hug it and kiss it lol. I planned on cleaning her as soon as I got her back but they cleaned her for me! =) But when I went to work with it the next day I found out my headlight was out so I got that fixed today and now I just gotta get my wheels aligned and my car will be problem free. I saw all the damages I did....daaaaaamn. Fucked up the whole AC and heater LMAO. Sorry Ava..never again! =)

*Woaaaahhh talk about suprises, whoever thought this would happen? No one. I dunno where this is gonna go honestly but I'll just go with the flow. I want to be the one that changes you're opinion on certain things, I don't know if that will happen but we'll see. Slow is the key. But sacrificing friendships for this is pretty scary. I like it. ;)

PS: You're "absentmindedly making me want you." ;)

I hate college.

UGGGGHHHHHH!!! whyyyy!? Failing Nursing101 badly and heard it from my parents. =(

I'm gonna be gone for a while..my minds just not gonna get off school and I'm officially on lock down mode at home.

But fridays..thats a different story. ;)

EDiiT___103109953pm

Okay so I found time to update..moms kinda calmed down about the grades. I need to get it together and buckle down cause this is getting crazy, I never fail! =(

Anyway, it's amazing how things can change at the blink of an eye..like really. But change can be good and bad. Right now? A little of both. This change allows me to focus on what I should've focused on in the first place. Me. Get my head together and sort everything out. Some people are back in my life and it feels kinda good. It's an uneasy feeling but..I can deal. Can't get used to it though cause I know this is just temporary which is what makes me feel a little weird.

I missed ya...kinda. ;)

"You said let go but I kept hangin' on, inside I know it's over, you're really gone." -M. Carey.

Personal.

I've been trying to study for my test for the past hour but it's kinda hard to concentrate with an empty feeling. I tried texting 38402384 people to maybe fill it up, didn't work. I tried watching tv to get my mind off of it, didn't work. I tried clearing my head with music, didn't work. It's hard to sit alone and think about everything. Things happen for a reason right? I hope something good comes out of this cause it's definitely not worth it. It's the day after that sucks the most..then after that you take it a day at a time and eventually start to smile. But for now..I'll fake it.

Everyone makes mistakes, no one is perfect. I'm never perfect no matter what anyone says. I make the same mistakes over and over again when I don't mean it but no one understands. I understand now that sometimes it's good to settle for complete imperfection than to try and look for perfection in anyone.

Bottom line? I've hit rockbottom for the second time in my life. Yes, it's the second time I've felt like maybe sleeping and never waking up is a good choice. Yes, it's the second time I've felt like things arn't going to get any better. Yes, it's the second time I've felt like I can't be alone for a quick second or else I'd think about everything. But I'm young, I already know I'm gonna be going through this so much more than just twice. And once you've hit rockbottom, there's no where to go but up from here. My savior is right infront of me, I just gotta realize it.

"You haven't hit rockbottom, your on my shoulders at rockbottom. I'll always be here for you."-Sam.
"Do what truly makes you happy. You deserve it."-Marylou
"I can't stand to see you hurt."-Drew
"Turn hurt into motivation, it will make you stronger."-AJ.

God will hear my problems tonight, most def.

Easier said than done.

And to think I was over everything. ha. Right. To feel like your world was just coming back together and watch it crumble to pieces in that 30seconds it takes you to read one text message. Best way to get over something is to learn to live without it, but it's pretty hard when everywhere you go reminds you of a certain thing that happened at that same exact place. But after a while everything starts to become okay. But in reality, It's not.

I hate everything that I have to go through. Sometimes I think that staying where I was before all of this and dealing with the unhappiness was what I should've done. But that's just not right, its not fair. I have to find my own happiness but do I feel like I have to throw away 2 years of my life? Yes. But, I can't think of it that way. I have to think about what exactly I learned from this. I learned that lying is just not worth it and you'll never know exactly who your hurting when you do it. I learned that ones own happiness is always first, but being absolutely selfish is not a good thing. And lastly? I learned that relationships are full of sacrifices, if one is not willing to sacrifice something for the one they love. Then it's never worth it.

You would think after learning all of that I'd look forward to the future and what lies ahead right? No. Not dwelling on the past is always.. easier said than done.